Did you know that 90% of the time you spend with your kids is over by the time they turn 18? 90% of your time with your kids is gone by the time they turn 18. 

This past Wednesday we had a missionary guest speaker come in and talk to the youth, and he shared this statistic from Barna research. They did a survey and found that 94% of people made a decision to follow God by the age of 18. That means that only 6% of Christians made their decision to follow God over the age of 18.

The years of their youth matter. You being involved in the years of their youth matters.

So I just want to share 5 unhelpful things to do in the years of their youth. This is just stuff I’ve learned - some of it the hard way, and I definitely don’t have all these down pat - but being in youth ministry sometimes makes you feel like you’re back in middle school or high school again. And I’m actually grateful for that, because I can kind of get in their shoes just a little and try to see through the lens of their world.

So let’s get started with #1. The first unhelpful thing to do in the years of their youth.

#1 CONTROL THEM

If you want to know how to tick off a toddler or teenager or most people, try to control them. Toddlers and teenagers especially are in stages where they crave and desire independence. And that is a healthy thing. 

You will become a lot less anxious when you stop trying to control them. God can do a whole lot more with our surrender than our control. And if we just look at the nature of God for a sec… We aren’t robots. He’s not trying to control our actions or force outcomes. He gives us - his kids - the ability to make decisions and have free will. He gives us guidelines and expectations and consequences, but He does not become anxious over control.

I started saying this prayer every day - “God, help me control what I can control and let go of the things that I can’t.”

Philippians 4:2-5 says, “Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.”

A lot of the times when we’re trying to control, we’re looking to our own interests, but we’re not taking the interests of others into consideration. And when you look at the life of Jesus, He just took such an interest in people. In the Bible Jesus is asked 183 questions. Out of those 183 questions, He only answers 3. But do you know how many questions He asks? 307. He is interested in others.

And so we know that your desire and interest is that your little baby would get their diaper changed, put some pajamas on, and go to bed. That is valid. But they also have desires too. Could you take a minute or two to try and relate to them? Take an interest in them.

Here’s an example: My daughter Hazel did not want to go to bed one time. Instead of controlling her and forcing her to go in her crib and having her see me as the enemy, I got on her side, and I tried to understand. We were on the same team, and going to bed was the problem, not me and going to bed as the problem.

I said, “Honey, I know, I don’t want you to go to bed either. I wish we could stay up all night! But this is the best thing for you, so should we go read a book before bed?” She got right up and went to her room. 

Sometimes she doesn’t want to listen, so I get curious with her. I say “Hey Hazel Mae. Are your ears working today? Can you test them out? Do you hear my voice?” And then I’ll ask if she can listen and do what I’m asking her to do. Or I’ll ask her to let me know when she’s ready to do something. It’s like the second I let her be a part of it, her attitude changes.

But I have to be sincere and actually be interested in her. I’m not sarcastic, I’m not mean. I’m trying to understand, and that is what they want in the years of their youth. Now that’s not gonna work with a teen. I get that. “Mom, can I go to a friends’ house?”

“Tommy, are your ears working?” It ain’t gonna work. But you can take an interest in them and try to understand them instead of control them. Get to their heart and ask the why. Be on the same team.

#2 MAKE IT ABOUT YOU

Every generation thinks they had it worse than the next generation. Youth do not necessarily care if you had to hike 10 miles uphill in the snow to get to school. I’m just being honest.

When we make it about ourselves, normally it leads to insecurity or frustration. We’re either frustrated at what we had to do or what we didn’t get to do. Or we’re insecure that we didn’t do enough or did something wrong.

So when a child messes up or makes a mistake, that is not the time to say, “I raised you better than that. I can’t believe you did that. After all I’ve done for you. You disappointed me.” 

It only leads to insecurity or frustration. Instead of making it about you, make it about them. Seek to understand. And if it still doesn’t make sense, extend grace and set boundaries.

You can be the best parent on the planet, and your kids will still stumble and fall. Look at the Father Adam and Eve had. All it took was the wrong relationship - one dialogue with the devil, and they were deceived and impacted for a lifetime. Sometimes your kids will dialogue with the devil. They will get in relationships they have no business being in. They may start hanging out with the wrong crowd. 

Our kids don’t need us to freak out when that happens. They don’t need us to focus on us and all the things WE think we did wrong as parents. They don’t need us spinning our wheels, wondering why things happened the way they did. Our kids don’t need us leading them from a place of insecurity. They need us leading from a place of confidence and love.

What did the Father do in the garden? He didn’t sit there and make it about himself. He didn’t think woulda coulda shoulda. He sought out His kids. He didn’t turn a blind eye. He also gave them an opportunity to own up to what they had done. Then He gave them natural consequences for their actions. And then He clothed them. He provided for a new need they had because of the wound they had inflicted on themselves.

Your kids won’t learn best from a screaming match. They won’t learn best from ignorance, pretending like nothing happened. They won’t learn best from a disappointed glare or slap on the wrist. They’ll learn best when you seek them out, speak truth, tell them about the consequences of their decisions, and do your best to clothe and love them with their new needs.

Don’t lead from insecurity or paranoia in the years of their youth. Disrespect and stepping back and making it about us is natural. Loving and leaning in and making it about them is supernatural. Lead from love, confidence, and assurance that you are the best parent for your child, and you are doing a great job, no matter how many times they stumble and fall. 

And students, things will go a lot better for you if you also take this advice. It’s not just the adults that are called to make it about others. Take an interest in what your parents are saying. Don’t just think about yourself either.

#3 PUT PRESSURE ON THEM

They will never get back the years of their youth. They will never get back their childhood. And so putting pressure on them to achieve and strive and succeed in sports, school, extracurriculars - it’s not helpful. Those things are supposed to be fun and enjoyable.

Jesus didn’t go after prominence, popularity, position, or performance. And we’re training our youth to strive for something Jesus didn’t even care about. 

And to be honest, from what I’ve seen, the kids who look most put together and successful are often the ones the most hurt, lost, and confused, because their worth is tied to their performance. They feel the most pressure.

A good performance does not equate to a good heart or a God-given purpose. In fact, you can be a really good performer and not do it with the right heart or for the purpose of God at all.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, “People look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.”

So instead of rewarding all these outcomes and achievements and results, let’s reward good hearts. They don’t have to be the best. They don’t have to be the brightest. I will take a good heart over a trophy any day. And I understand that sometimes it’s the kids putting pressure on themselves, but that makes it all the more important to reward a good heart, not just a place on the podium.

So that means we have to be okay with our youth and students failing. I once talked to a mom - and I’m not suggesting this - but she saw how much pressure her daughter was putting on herself, and so she made her get an F on an assignment to show her that the world goes on, and she doesn’t have to be perfect. Failing is oftentimes the best way and opportunity to learn.

Let your kids fail, and let them be kids.

#4 BE A HYPOCRITE

To be honest, one of the most frustrating things to youth is dealing with the effects of hypocrites. A hypocrite is someone whose actions don’t follow their words.

We should not ask our kids to do anything we aren’t willing to do ourselves. We can’t get mad at our kids for doing what we do or for not doing what we don’t do.

Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.” If you want to know what will aggravate a child, don’t practice what you preach.

One of the things I was told when I stepped into youth ministry was, “What you do in moderation, they will do in excess.” They will take it another level.

So I’m just going to say it: If we don’t want them to swear, then we shouldn’t swear. If we don’t want them to fight, then we shouldn’t fight. If we don’t want them to get drunk, then we shouldn’t get drunk. If we don’t want them to gossip, then we shouldn’t gossip.

Jesus did not like hypocrites. Jesus corrected hypocrites. And if you are a hypocrite, and our kids correct us, we need to have the humility to hear it. So I would encourage us to ask - are there areas in my life where I don’t practice what I preach?

#5 CALL THEM OUT

A couple weeks ago, I told our youth students, “My prayer is that you would never be called out by me or one of the leaders. My prayer is that you will only be called up.”

Kids don’t need you to call them names. They don’t need you to label them. They don’t need you to say mean or hurtful things that put them in a box.

They need you to call them up. There’s a difference between saying, “You’re a liar just like your father” versus “I believe better for you, and I know that’s not who you are.”

The words you speak hold power, and they can last a lifetime. God created words to hold power. Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

God created words to hold power. But His intent was that the words that we speak would bring life. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

And I believe that every kid has the potential to thrive, but not every kid has the opportunity to. That opportunity comes when someone sees that potential and calls them up to it. I believe that every perceived weakness can be a shadow of a strength. And I believe there is always a reason a kid is the way that they are.

I asked our students to write some lies that they’re told by the world at this age, and here are some of the ones I’ve heard:

“I was told to do what feels good. These are the years of my youth.

I was told to have one more drink. These are the years of my youth.

I was told I’m too fat and need to lose weight. These are the years of my youth.

I was told to keep scrolling, keep liking, and keep posting. These are the years of my youth.

I was told I’m not good enough. These are the years of my youth.

I was told I need to do what he says in order to be loved. These are the years of my youth.

I was told to practice for hours every day so I can get a scholarship. These are the years of my youth.

I was told to get perfect grades. These are the years of my youth. 

I was told to be the parent to my siblings. These are the years of my youth.

I was told that I can live my own truth. These are the years of my youth.”

These are the years of their youth.

So don’t write them off. Help them write their story.

Every Wednesday, I greet at a local high school. And when I greet in the morning I see students walking in, and I see their hurts.

I don’t see a rebellious teenager anymore. I see a stressed out kid who had to tuck their brother or sister in last night because mom and dad went out. I don’t see an awkward kid anymore. I see a hurting child who never had a father figure around to model how to live. I don’t see a kid with a major attitude anymore. I see a kid so insecure about who they are that they feel like they have to be mean and push people down to puff themselves up.

We’re so quick to jump to conclusions about people. We’re so quick to get uncomfortable and turn the other direction. We’re so quick to speak a negative word. Instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt, we’re so quick to doubt that they have any benefit.

These are the years of their youth.

Mislabeled, misunderstood, and mistreated.

Doesn’t that sound like the people Jesus went after? And we’re called to be like Him.

So let’s be willing to lean into the years of their youth. To not try and fix their mess, but to stand with them in it. Let’s be willing to believe in them and pray for them.

These are the years of their youth.