Last blog and podcast we spoke directly to the ladies, and now we’re speaking to the men! Men, if you want to impact your relationship in the best way and learn of some bad practices/habits you can break to bless your partner, this blog and podcast is for you!

Before we dive in, I do want to caveat again that this advice is for people who are in a HEALTHY marriage or relationship. If you are in an unhealthy relationship or marriage that is abusive or toxic, please do not see this as your solution or the fix for your relationship. I think a lot of times people in those relationship are told all the time that it’s their fault, and so if you’re coming here because you’ve heard that and you feel like you have to clean up your act to make the relationship work but you know it’s toxic and abusive, please spare yourself the time and just go get help from a counselor. The National DV hotline number is 800-799-7233. No abuse is acceptable, so please get the help you need!

But if you are in a good, healthy relationship with a few arguments or disagreements or tiffs every now and then, this advice could be extremely beneficial.

So here we go… The first thing husbands should STOP doing:

1. Putting your needs first

When you make a commitment as husband and wife, you’re declaring that you will lay down your life for one another - that means your desires, your preferences, your selfishness.

You have now become one, so “my decision” becomes “our decision.” “My stuff” becomes “our stuff.” What yours is theirs, and what’s theirs is yours.

Living this out and putting their needs above yours can look like…

• Pondering how a decision or change would make your spouse feel

• Communicating through a decision with your spouse 

• Doing what’s best for your family, not necessarily you

• Not putting work or hobbies above time with your spouse/family

For us personally, Tyler and I made the decision for me to step away from full-time ministry for the sake of our family once second baby comes. Tyler could easily have only thought of his own dreams and desires - what vehicles, what house renovations, what fancy toys he’d like…

But he knows while me bringing in another income may benefit him and what he wants, it’s not the best thing for our family. So he supports that decision. When you become one, you start to think outside yourself.

Mark 10:45 “For the son of man came not to be served, but to serve.”

2. Being passive

There are way too many men sitting back and not taking the lead in their household. They’re letting the wives guide and lead them in so many ways and are settling into passivity.

Men, be the leader, not the follower.

Start leading your wives spiritually. Don’t wait around for her to make all the moves, the decisions, the plans. You can be the guide your wife desires!

Sometimes avoiding passivity looks like stepping up and leading, and other times it’s simply acknowledging what your wife is doing, how she is stepping up. Don’t take it for granted and don’t miss out on moments to honor that! So the dishes are done? Thank her! The laundry is folded and put away? Give her a hug and let her know you see it. The groceries are restocked? Let her know you notice it.

Another thing with passivity… don’t disengage.

The children’s pastor at our church always talks about how his daughter was choosing the wrong path and making a ton of wrong decisions during her teen years. She seemed to be pulling further and further away, so he let her drift because that seemed to be what she wanted. But in reality that’s when she needed him the most. He always talks about how his biggest regret is pulling back instead of leaning in.

So don’t disengage, men. When you feel your wife or kids distancing themselves, don’t just let it happen. Pursue them. Pursue them like Christ pursues you.

3. Putting yourself in tempting situations

We’ll keep this one brief, but what are your vices? What are the things that you tend to escape to? It’s okay to need outlets, but when those outlets become unhealthy vices, it’s time to evaluate where you’re positioning yourself to be tempted by those unhealthy things.

Is it video games? Is that causing a disconnect in your marriage or with your family? Throw the console out the window. We’ve had friends even smash theirs with a hammer lol. Maybe it’s not a terrible habit or problem in your home, but maybe better boundaries would benefit your relationships. Limit yourself.

Is it alcohol? Don’t put yourself in social situations where it’s constantly offered to you. Leave before the guys start cracking cans on a Friday night. If it’s negatively affecting your relationships, it’s not worth it. Limit the times you’re tempted by disassociating with those that lead you astray.

Is it lust? Don’t put yourself in situations to be tempted by it. Don’t be alone with another woman. Don’t click on or follow the accounts that tempt you. Don’t just add anyone on social media. Be honest with your wife about where you’re at and limit as much as possible the opportunities to have veering eyes.

Make up your mind of what you want to decide before you get to the situation or choice.

4. Hiding your emotions

Too many men are afraid to show their emotions. They feel the need to portray this tough facade, so they tend to mask what they’re feeling.

It’s not helpful when your wife doesn’t know where you’re at. It’s okay to be open with her. It’s okay to be honest about how you’re feeling.

Bottling things up will only lead to burnout or bitterness, so be willing to get vulnerable with her. That opens the door for her to have that trust and feel like you are a safe person to be there for her when she’s in that state too.

Don’t hide the good emotions either!! Show your excitement when you’re excited! Express your joy when you’re feeling happy! Tell your wife when she looks hot! It’s not just the sad emotions that men hide - it’s the good ones too.

Break the mold, and talk to your wife about how you feel. They just want you to be real with them.

5. Solving all your wife’s problems

Oh boy, do we have this occur in our home :D

It’s an amazing gift that men have to fix things and solve problems. But sometimes your wife doesn’t want you to fix her problems. Sometimes she just wants you to listen and understand her.

There are times I’ve had to tell Tyler before I talk to him about something that’s really important to me or that’s bothering me, “I’m looking for advice,” or “I just want you to listen,” because he tended to go into fix-it or feedback mode when that wasn’t always what I wanted!

Don’t view your wife as a project that can be finished - it’s always going to take work! :D A lot of time your wife just wants to be heard.

Take the time to hear her out. Ask questions. Support her. Love her. Just be there for her.

That really does make all the difference.