I’m so glad that we’ll be diving into this particular topic today. Now, I know for some, this may grind your gears a little bit - the title alone might even do that, because some of it may be convicting or hard to accept correction. 

But we definitely need to be talking about some things that we’ve seen women/wives doing that aren't particularly good for their relationship. Just because something is normalized in society does not mean it should be replicated!

Before we dive in, I do want to caveat that this advice is for people who are in a HEALTHY marriage or relationship. If you are in an unhealthy relationship or marriage that is abusive or toxic, please do not see this as your solution or the fix for your relationship. I think a lot of times people in those relationship are told all the time that it’s their fault, and so if you’re coming here because you’ve heard that and you feel like you have to clean up your act to make the relationship work but you know it’s toxic and abusive, please spare yourself the time and just go get help from a counselor. The National DV hotline number is 800-799-7233. No abuse is acceptable, so please get the help you need!

But if you are in a good, healthy relationship with a few arguments or disagreements or tiffs every now and then, this advice could be extremely beneficial. And please know that we will also do a podcast on 5 things husbands should stop doing 😀

All of these points align with the Scripture below, so take a quick minute to read through this passage you may know well:

1 Corinthians 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

So here we go… The first thing wives should STOP doing:

1. Trying to change your husband

(vs. 4 love is patient, love is kind)

Again, this is for HEALTHY relationships. This is not excusing unacceptable or rude behavior or addictions/issues that need to be addressed. This is regarding the small stuff we can so easily make the big stuff.

There is totally an element of growing together as a couple and as individuals throughout your marriage, but so often people get into marriage and see things they don’t like in their spouse, so they try to control those things they want to change.

Instead of trying to change the way our husbands think and talk and chew and breathe lol… try to focus on all the good qualities we would never want to change. 

For example, Tyler is very particular and health conscious. He has an idea of how he wants things cleaned, what healthy things he wants to eat, how the tupperware cabinet looks lol, etc. Instead of being annoyed by this and wishing he would change, I try to focus on being GRATEFUL that he cares.

Also, how would it feel if someone tried to change you? It would make you feel not good enough or annoying. Sometimes I have to take a step back when I get annoyed and ask - how would I feel if he responded that way to me? How would I feel if I drank water and breathed wrong and he made me feel bad about it? 

Give the grace you wish you’d get.

2. Insisting on being right 

(vs. 4 it does not boast, it is not proud)

The reality is that sometimes you ARE right! But fighting to be right most times ends in a wrong. Nobody feels like they have won.

There was a time where I KNEW I said something - and I don’t even remember what I said - but Tyler INSISTED that I didn’t. Us going back and forth would not change what the other believed.

So instead of insisting on being right, insist on understanding each other. 

Even when I do not agree with his solution or answer, if I immediately shut that down, it’s easy for him to feel like he’s been disrespected or not heard. Instead, I should actively listen and try to understand why he thinks that may work. Please note that doesn’t mean you have to roll with whatever he says, but at least for me, sometimes we’re so easy to brush off what they bring to the table because we’ve already come to our own conclusions or answers. 

Be willing to hear them out and seek to understand where they’re coming from.

A lot of the time the ways we insist stem back from the way we grew up, and once we understand that, it’s easier to be understanding and acknowledge the other’s thoughts.

3. Complaining about your husband behind his back

(vs. 5 - it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking)

At my first job out of college, I heard employees complain about their husbands and I remember it making me so uncomfortable. I remember one specific comment someone made about how much more she preferred hanging out with her girlfriends than her husband. 

While yes, there’s an element of having great friends and making time for them, your spouse is your best friend, and you can’t treat someone better than you talk about them.

You can’t take back words. And when you open the door to gossip and complain about your husband, you’re opening the door to seeing him through a different lens. Your relationship is filtered through your negativity and hurt rather than clarity and honesty.

There’s totally an element of getting wisdom when problems arise, but this should be done in a context of openness and transparency. 

I always tell people the difference between gossipping and actually venting in a healthy way is asking yourself the motive for why you’re doing it. If you are looking to get godly wisdom by expressing your frustrations to someone and actually do something about it so that it’s not this cycle of complaining or nagging, that’s different than just expressing our emotions because we want to feel better about ourselves and have someone sulk with us.

If you really don’t like something your husband does - instead of going to other people to get things off your chest, go to him and ask how you can figure something out together. 

A change in routine or attitude is better than a cycle of complaining. So ask the question - do we need to change our routine or do I just need to change my attitude about it?

4. Expecting him to read your mind

(vs. 5-6 it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.)

The space between reality and our expectations is a whole lot of disappointment. So unmet expectations equals frustration.

That means communication is everything.

Communicate what you want to your man and be VERY clear. I know sometimes you wish he would just “get it,” but we all need reminders every now and then. Don’t assume! Don’t assume he knows how you’re feeling. Spell it out when you feel like he’s not understanding.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Ask questions. Sometimes I’ll ask, “What does your ideal day look like tomorrow?” just so I know we’re on the same page and we can plan accordingly. Let your verbal communication lead the way and nonverbal communication follow, not the other way around.

You can even communicate how you want him to respond! There are times where I’ve brought a struggle or dream or some thought forward, and I don’t want him to try and fix it. I just want him to listen. It’s okay to tell him what you want. 

5. Taking things too seriously

(vs. 7-8 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.)

I have to remind myself of this all the time. Just laugh. Make jokes. Extend grace for hard days or nights. 

There have been times where we end the night with a little disagreement or tiff, and he’ll be falling asleep in no time. We could even be in the middle of a serious conversation, and he’ll fall asleep. He’s not trying to disrespect or avoid me - he’s just a man who’s tired and isn’t taking it as seriously as I am (which is a good thing for me to recognize)!

There have been times in the morning where I’ve woken up thinking about our arguments, wondering where our moods will be or how we’ll pick up where we left off, and Tyler will love me like nothing happened. He’s so quick to forgive, and he’ll immediately go back into being his goofy self.

Not taking things seriously also means not hanging things over our husbands’ heads. We have to learn to let things go! 

And knowing that I have someone who will always choose me, love me, and fight for me has changed the way I see disagreements or moments of disconnect. It gives me peace knowing we have made a covenant before God that we will uphold, and the small stuff really is small stuff.