How to Respond When Christians Hurt You

Ever wonder why people who say they’re Christians don’t like it? Or why they hurt other Christians? Ever wonder how to respond to those people?

That’s what I want to dive into today.

It can be really frustrating when the words of other people affect us so greatly. You may wonder why that is. I think it’s very easy to get frustrated with ourselves when someone says something that hurts us, or they talk behind our back, and we ask that question - why does that bother me and affect me so much?

It’s because God created it to be that way. God created words to hold power. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

God created words to hold power. But His intent was that the words that we speak would bring life.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

So you’re saying I can’t ever speak negative about anything? I can’t ever complain? No I’m not. You can be real and honest. But if the negative things you point out aren’t helpful or they don’t build others or yourself up, you’re not to say them.

My goal for myself is to never speak a negative thing over the people I love. My prayer is that I always call them up. I don’t call them out. We all know how negative things spoken over us can linger for years.

You don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t hurt when that happens. It just does. What’s the saying… “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me…” That’s just not true. Sometimes I’d rather get wacked with a stick - a big ole branch - than I would hear words that tear me down.

And words are where a lot of Christians go wrong. And that’s why I want to start with this. Because I think a lot of the times when we’re hurt by people who love us or who say they love Jesus, it’s their words that tear us down.

But I take great comfort in knowing that God has always been correcting “religious” people. Always. It’s all throughout Scripture. So it’s not new for someone who says they believe in God to not act like it. The Bible talks a lot about religious people always having idols. Back in the day, it was statues or animals. Or laws… doing all the right things. And I would propose that in today’s world and society, we have become our own idols. We have taken on the role of being our own Savior. Of being the hero of our own story. Of thinking that we know all and have our own truth. Of following our feelings.

And when we have self as an idol, it’s easy to put ourselves and others on high pedestals because we see ourselves and others as a God. And so what we need to wrap our minds around is that Christians are Christ-followers. They are not Christ himself.

And if you tie your faith and your identity to a person here on earth or a church on earth or yourself and that becomes your idol, you will be let down. Because we will never be Christ himself. There will always be people who disappoint you. There will always be people who hurt you.

There was a moment for me this past summer when I was called to let a lot of things go - a lot of bitterness, hurt, and resentment. And in that moment I really felt like God was just calling me to Himself again. And He said, “Hey you can look down here and you can find every flaw or reason to be upset with my people. But you need to go back to our relationship. You need to go back to you and me, because that’s what this is about. Remember what I did for you. Remember our walk. Just look at me.”

And that’s given me confidence as people who say that they’re Christians have continued to say and do things that don’t honor Christ, because they are not Him. And I am not Him, so I can’t fix it. I can’t change, or control, or force them to do anything. I am not God.

And so yes, they are not Christ. But you are not Christ either. That’s the second part of it. When you realize that you are not your own God, the weight becomes a lot lighter. And I think so many people get burned out on ministry and faith because they have these expectations of how things are going to go or of how people are going to respond, but they’re viewing it through the lens of them being on the throne. Of them controlling the outcomes. We don’t get to control the outcomes. Instead, we can only control what we can control. We get to put in the work. We are the hands and feet of Christ - so we’re stinky and sweaty. We’re here to do His work. We’re not here to get the glory.

So what do you do with that? How do you respond to those people? What do you do with people who have hurt you?

Let me ask you this… Let’s say you have a garden. And you worked hard on that garden. You did the work of tilling it up and making sure the soil was ready. You were sweatin’ your tail off working on it in the heat. You spent time weeding out the bad stuff and watering it so it would grow. And then all of a sudden you go out one morning, and you see deer eating away at your plants - and I mean they are destroying them. And you worked hard on those! They were producing fruit! And then the deer comes, eats it, and sets you back. And then you wake up the next morning, and you go out there, and the deer is eating again. The beans are gone, and the hostas are a wreck.

What would you do if you had a garden with an animal that was trying to get in? You would build a fence to protect your garden. And I think it would be silly for anyone to say, “Oh come on. It’s an innocent little deer. It’s just hungry. It just loves your garden so much. That’s not very loving.”

It doesn’t matter if that deer is bambi, I’m building my fence.

Maybe you’ve been letting little bambis into your life, and they are destroying the fruit in your life. You have worked hard to produce that goodness in your life. And unless those people are willing to stop tearing you down and taking things from you, you need to build your fence.

And you may say, “Oh but Christ left the 99. He went after the 1.” Yes, but that 1 was willing to get on the shoulders of Christ and be carried back home. You can speak truth. And you can love people well. But you can’t force others to come home.

Can you imagine picking up a sheep up on your shoulders that doesn’t want to be picked up? Baaaaa. It’s kicking you in the mouth. You’d be like, “Yo get off me.” Your little bo peep out there with your sheep wanting to wack that thing with your cane.

It’s okay to try. It’s okay to fail. And then it’s okay to set healthy boundaries. I’m not saying to be rude or mean. Or to not be like Christ. Still go after that person you know that needs Christ. But don’t take it personally when they don’t respond how you want them to. And know that it’s okay to set boundaries with people who have hurt you.

Because that’s what Jesus did. He stepped away from the crowd when He needed to. Sometimes he said no when people wanted a miraculous sign. Sometimes he didn’t even respond at all.

I don’t know about you, but if Jesus had healthy boundaries, I’m going to have healthy boundaries. And I’m going to let Jesus be Jesus. I’m going to let Him be on the throne and hold the outcomes in His hand. I’m going to let His truth and His words of life flow out of my mouth.

I’m going to believe that there’s someone bigger than me and you who sees our hurt and the words that have been spoken that tear us down, and I’m going to believe that He died for me and for you, so that I don’t have to be my own God or act as if others are.

I hope you will too.