How We Met + Advice on Love
How We Met
Our love story begins with me as a freshman at Wartburg College and Tyler as a junior. I was newly single, and Tyler was also single as a pringle, and he had decided he was done trying to find the right woman.
I had tried out for the dance team on campus, and after making it on the team, found out it was a co-ed dance where I had to find a guy partner to dance with me. Luckily I had a friend whose boyfriend lived with Tyler, and she recommended him as a partner. When I asked if he was weird, she said yes, but he was really nice :)
Tyler agreed to be my dance partner, and our dance practices became our dates. We loved getting to know each other and were definitely head over heels, but our relationship was initially based on a lot of feelings. So after the honeymoon phase wore off and summer rolled around, there were some decision that had to be made.
Priorities had gotten mixed up, but luckily we both decided to continue choosing each other and working to make it a healthy relationship. Over that next year and a half we got involved in a small group and started going to church. Our relationship went from being based on feelings to being based on faith. We weren’t perfect and definitely had ups and downs, but through it all we continued to choose each other and choose God.
Our Advice on Love
It’s safe to say there were definitely some ideas of love that we got wrong early on. There were some lies we had to deconstruct, and we wanted to share a few of them on this blog and podcast.
Lie #1: Love is all about how I feel.
Despite what culture would want you to believe, love is not about gratifying our flesh and acting on our feelings. You’re not always going to feel like loving. You’re not always going to want to love that person who did you wrong. You’re not always going to want to love someone when you’re tired and feeling down.
You can’t always follow your feelings, because a lot of the time they will mislead you.
Rather than a conditional love based on our feelings, love is covenant based on a commitment. God demonstrates this in His Word. Time and time again we see Him make covenants made with His people as a sign of His love for them.
When you think about a wedding, there are many elements of that day that are supposed to reflect God’s design and commitment to us. Vows are made to reflect the promises He makes to us. To show the commitment we intend to keep with each other.
Recently I read, “The Bible teaches that love is a commitment. As a commitment, love is not dependent on good feelings but rather on a consistent and courageous decision to extend oneself for the well-being of another. That commitment then produces good feelings, not the other way around.”
When you make it about your feelings, you focus on what you can get out of the relationship rather than what you can put into it. But John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God LOVED so God GAVE! We must not just look to get in a relationship but more importantly give.
One question you can ask yourself if you’re wondering if your love is based on feelings is this: Does this relationship just satisfy me or does it sharpen me?
I knew Tyler was the one for me when I realized that he makes me better in Christ. We reflected Christ together. And that’s why God designed marriage. To reflect his oneness, to reflect his commitment, his covenant. So who can I best reflect Christ with? If I make a choice to be with someone based off of that, the fruit will come. I will bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit if I’m walking with someone I’ve made a commitment with to honor God. I will have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Again, the good feelings and fruit will follow the commitment.
Lie #2: I need to find my “other half” to complete me.
Repeat after me: “Only Christ completes me.”
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 says, “May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together—spirit, soul, and body—and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he’ll do it!”
You are not a little half of a person walking around who needs to find their other half to complete them. God has created you to be holy and whole!
The fairytales would have us believe that we need a man to complete us, to make us whole, to sweep us off our feet. But when you understand that you already have a man that saved you and made you clean, pure, and whole, it would change that desire and need.
My husband does not complete me. He pushes me towards Christ who completes me.
If you give other people the responsibility for your joy and your identity, you will always live with unmet expectations. Don’t believe the lie that says you must find someone to make your life complete. Christ has already done that.
Lie #3: There’s something wrong with me if people stop loving me.
Think back to all the TV shows you grew up watching. I guarantee all of them displayed some sort of power group of friends that stuck together through thick and thin and did life together. It looks nice, but the probability of us sticking with the same people or group of friends throughout our whole life is not likely. Friendships change, and that is okay.
We are constantly in a state of changing and transitioning in life, so that means we’re constantly changing and transitioning as people. Give yourself grace when those changes don’t seem to align with people they once did.
Any time there is a change in friendship, there can be an internal audit. You can ask questions like, “Why did that affect me so much?” “Why did that sting so bad?” “Is there anything I could’ve done differently to handle the situation better?” But then you’ve got to learn from it and move on, not dwelling or ruminating.
Matthew 10:14 says, “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.”
Of course there are always things we can get better at as people, but sometimes we need to just let. things. go. And not only should we avoid dwelling or ruminating on it, but we should work to heal from it. Because I’ve found in my own life that if I don’t deal with a hurt that happened and work to heal it, I will feel the effects in future friendships and relationships.
Here are some things you can do to work toward healing and let go of bitterness and resentment:
Name it. State the facts of what happened and explore what you’re feeling and why that is. Be honest.
Release it. You’ve got to get to a point where you can accept the fact that Jesus paid for your debt even when you didn’t deserve it, which means we must do that for others. Hanging onto bitterness and resentment hurts you more than it does anyone else.
Claim it. Declare the truth of what God says about your life. Take action steps forward and step into the full life God has for you and is calling you toward.
Lie #4: We must earn our love.
If you’re living by the world’s standards, then yes, you will feel like you have to earn love. But that is backwards from what God says and not His design for His people.
Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”
God demonstrates unconditional love to His people, which is what we should aspire to have for one another. If anyone makes you feel like you have to earn love by doing, saying, or sending certain things, that is a love based on works, not on commitment and genuine care for you.
Satan would have us believe the lie that we must DO things in order to be accepted, so too often we succumb to that pressure. We also believe the lie that if we do not DO the things (engage in sex, send the pic, give them what they want), we will somehow be behind or lack experience in life. This is one of the most harmful lies you could believe. You will not be behind. I promise.
There have been multiple times throughout our relationship where I’ve asked Tyler, “Is there anything I could do to make you love me more or love me less?” And he has said no every time. That’s because our love is not based on condition. It’s based on commitment. That’s the kind of love we should aspire to have.
Lie #5: There are no good guys or girls out there. I must settle.
We’ve all believed the lie that we are not deserving of something. Too often this leads to settling instead of proclaiming the truth of what God says about us. And don’t get me wrong - it’s certainly discouraging when we have a bad experience in a relationship or friendship. But don’t allow discouragement to lead you to settle with the people you spend your time with, the values that you have, or the confidence you have in who God has created you to be.
A lot of the time the reason why we settle is because we don’t see our worth, and somewhere along the way, someone has said something or done something to lead us to believe that. Too often this comes from deeply routed issues with a mother or father figure. If a mom or dad is out of the picture or you have a tense relationship with them, you will most likely view all your relationships through that lens.
Can I just tell you that this is not God’s design. You are worth more than what you give yourself credit for. So much so that Jesus was willing to lay down his life for you. And that is what you deserve in a partner. Someone who is willing to lay down their life for you.
So know that if something in your past hasn’t worked out or you’ve had an estranged relationship, it doesn’t instantly mean you’re a bad person or that there’s something inherently wrong with you. Maybe you just were bad for each other. Maybe there were some deep wounds and issues on both sides. Don’t let that fear of “Maybe there’s just something wrong with me” make you question who you are and deconstruct. Instead, go back to that internal audit and move forward with confidence.
Another thing we tend to settle in is the counsel we receive. Too often we look to social media or people who aren’t further ahead than us or living a godly life to receive wisdom from. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Pick out some godly people in your life who are further along than you and make a commitment to pursue godly counsel, not counsel that makes you feel good.
All in all, these lies are told to us ALL THE TIME. But it is up to us to guard our hearts and replace them with truth. And this isn’t just a one time thing - this is a daily surrendering and commitment to pick God’s truths instead of Satan’s lies. So make choices today that move forward with God’s way and His love. Praying that His love would move you in such a powerful way that you don’t settle for anything less than what He intended for you.