My Postpartum Journey (With Our First)
Postpartum was such an interesting journey for me where I grew and was challenged in so many ways. I have been wanting to document my postpartum experience for so long now, as I know how many other moms would benefit from a true and honest reflection of what it can look like. It was also fun to remind myself of the lessons learned in that season as we prepare for baby #2 in May!
Before we dive in, I do want to be sure to caveat that every birth, labor, delivery, and postpartum is different. We didn’t write this blog or record the podcast to tell you what postpartum is like for everyone - but rather to tell you how it went for us and what we learned through it. My biggest goal with being vulnerable about my postpartum journey is to simply encourage others to say that if it’s not what you expected and you’re struggling, there is hope for you, and you will get through it.
So let’s start with bringing our daughter home…
Bringing Her Home
I’ve written in journals since I was 13 and talk to God about everything in them, and I’m so glad I documented my honest and true feelings in them freshly after having a baby. In one journal entry I talked about how I got so emotional at the hospital thinking about all that just happened. I walked into the bathroom as I looked to pick things up so we could head home, and I was overwhelmed with how much had changed.
I was a parent now. I had a real life teeny tiny human to take care of. I didn’t have any baby kicking my insides anymore. I had a husband who also became a dad. People don’t talk about how traumatizing giving birth really can be (even if it’s amazing!). Like it is a wonderful, beautiful, miraculous experience, but at the end of it so much has changed! Your whole life and identity shifts and changes, and that’s a lot to wrap your mind around. You’re about to go home with a whole new roommate and learn life in a new way. Your body is totally different and learning how to heal.
It was so nerve wracking driving home with a newborn in our backseat. 10 & 2. Under the speed limit. We didn’t want to mess anything up haha. It was surreal walking in with a whole new person into our home!
Our first diaper change was quite the experience. First Hazel projectile vomited while we were changing her and started coughing/choking. Then Tyler propped her up, and she pooped write in his hand lol. To be honest it was scary in the moment! But now we look back on it and laugh (like most things).
That night we made the mistake of deciding to sleep on the couch. We do not recommend this. In our minds we were making it feel like the hospital, but it was uncomfortable. I just laid by Tyler and cried. I felt all the emotions - super grateful and blessed but also terrified and exhausted.
We had guests come over the day after we got home, which honestly stressed me out haha. Since we had Hazel in 2021, there were still guest restrictions at the hospital, which honestly was a blessing for me personally, because I liked only having my mom and Tyler there with us as we healed and learned how to take care of our girl. I share this to say - it’s totally okay to set boundaries and tell people no if they want to visit right away. Do what you’re comfortable with and allow yourself to choose what is best for your family.
We were so very blessed with all the people who dropped off food for us - so I just gotta say that one of the greatest things you can do for a family with a new baby is to leave a nice warm meal right outside the door for them to enjoy.
But all in all, that first week really was amazing. We were on cloud 9. Especially with it being Christmas week, we were able to go out and about and do all the things. There was definitely a sense of, “Man, we’re good at this!” But then there was… the crash.
The Crash & Breastfeeding
We definitely did not take the opportunities we should have to sleep that first week. And that quickly caught up to us that next week.
A lot of it for me had to do with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding got hard for me, and I did not love it at all. I didn’t feel like I was bonding, and Hazel wasn’t always latching super well. I felt so much shame and felt like I was failing because I didn’t love it, and it was so stressful in the night because Hazel would just cry and cry. I definitely felt overwhelmed and tired and scared I wasn’t doing the right things.
When Tyler went back to work it was really hard for me. I was crying all throughout the day, and intrusive thoughts would come and go - things happening to the baby, me doing things to the baby - it was so confusing and I didn’t understand why I was having them or felt the way I did.
I found a link online that perfectly described what I was feeling and thinking and ended up sending it to my mom and Tyler. I told them I didn’t want to talk about it (because I knew I’d break down and honestly I felt so ashamed). My mom came over and told me how normal it was to feel that way and how the thoughts and feelings I was having stemmed from being a GOOD mom, not a bad mom, because it just meant I was trying to protect my baby and wanted what was best for her. It was just getting a little muddled because of sleep deprivation, hormones, etc.
I ended up calling the clinic who got me an appointment with a nurse. Praise God for her. She immediately told me to go buy formula and let my mom or someone take the baby while I slept. She reassured me how normal everything I was experiencing was, which was surprising because I had never heard anyone talk about what I was going through. She also recommended that I make an appointment with a counselor, which I did.
During that appointment I realized there were things a doctor had said throughout my pregnancy that really weighed on me about breastfeeding moms - like my daughter would be smarter if I breastfed because that’s what smart moms do… things like that. But when I talked to the counselor at the clinic she apologized and talked me through how that wasn’t right and shouldn’t have been said.
But there was still so much guilt and shame I had. If Hazel spit up or threw up, was fussy, had a diaper rash, etc., I immediately blamed myself and thought I had failed my daughter. And then there was the formula shortage which did not help at all lol. But I’m so glad I stuck with my decision instead of trying to miserably muscle my way through breastfeeding, which just did not work for us. One journal entry I wrote to God around that time said, “Thank you for the answers with switching to formula - what a relief it has been. Please continue to bless this journey. Help me to enjoy every moment! It’s so good to finally feel like myself again…”
There were other journal entries of lows and highs, but things got better for me when I stopped looking at what everyone else was doing and realized what worked best for our family!
Productivity
Another major thing I struggled with in postpartum was the change of pace. Productivity looked totalllllyyyy different than it did before, and that was really hard for me.
When I went to that counselor she told me I needed to reframe productivity… because caring for and snuggling my baby WAS productive.
It took time, but I realized how unhealthy my striving was before coming a mom, mostly for a couple reasons:
I was accomplishing things in order to feel worth - always working to EARN
I was doing things from a place of fearing failure instead of actual joy
I was trying to do everything on my own and not ask for help
When I slowed down and wasn’t able to “do” much I found I really didn’t like myself… because my worth came from doing and going and striving and accomplishing; I was the epitome of Martha!
But now that I’ve realized the unhealthiness I’ve had in going and striving, I don’t desire that pace anymore - I actually desire the slowed down, simple living (which for me is a sign of health). And while the enemy would love to say it’s laziness, I know it’s godly wisdom.
Also, if it helps anyone - recognizing and understanding my sleep rhythms was so helpful for me. I learned that I would hit a low and feel the worst around 1-2 p.m. which was so helpful, because I could then encourage people who wanted to visit to come during that time so I could go nap! I also learned that it was hardest for me to fall back asleep in the night between 1-2 a.m. At first this would frustrate me, but I learned to lean into and give myself grace. I made an extra effort during that time (like breathing, changing sleep locations, asking Tyler to take her, etc.) to help me fall asleep.
Parenting
Praise God that He designed pregnancies to be 9 months so you can prepare, but even with that time, there are some things you won’t know until you just experience it. Taking on the title of “parent” was life-changing - in the best way, but also in a hard way.
There was one night - probably about 15 days after we had her - where Tyler came in frustrated after Hazel wouldn’t sleep. We both just broke down crying.
We talked about how hard being parents was and reminisced on flashbacks of our old life - of just us in our first home and how there was this grieving of our old life that we didn’t anticipate. Of course there is plenty of rejoicing for the new life, but it’s also a little sad to let go of what was. It’s a beautiful thing, but a different thing.
You gain a whole new identity and really have no idea if you’re doing it right, but when you stumble and fall together - it’s special… hard, but so, so special.
Luckily Tyler was phenomenal throughout my postpartum struggles. One of the most powerful things he told me was how he never would’ve guessed I was struggling as much as I was. He constantly told me how strong I was, how I was a warrior, and how we’d get through it together.
All in All
That first year is HARD - and one of the hardest things was realizing how what worked one day or night didn’t work the next. That still holds true now.
We’ve navigated different challenges the last couple years with Hazel as she’s grown, but realizing that WE know her best and will make the right decisions - not Google or Instagram - has been freeing and absolutely necessary in parenting and motherhood. And now we get to do it all again with baby #2!
To be honest, I’ve had fears pop in at different times with this next one - especially when you work in ministry and hear about all these deaths or complications with babies or families - but I’ve reminded myself that I can’t live in fear
I mean, I certainly could, but that’s not the kind of life I want to live. So not living in fear is the only option.
I’ve been praying fiercely for labor, delivery, and postpartum and have reminded myself that I really can’t control a lot of what happens. But I CAN control my trust and faith through the uncertainty.
So no, postpartum wasn’t what I thought it was… but I’m thankful for it and grew so much through it. Know that whatever your postpartum journey looks like you will get through it and there really is so much beauty in it. God’s got you, and you got this.