Am I Setting My Kids Up to Fail?

My daughter had the worst tantrum of her life today.

I tried to keep calm and go over the fruits of the Spirit in my head in an attempt to stay cool. But as one little one screaming turned into two, I felt the frustration rise.

Then I had to take a step back and look at the big picture.

She was losing it over a stinking donut.

And you know what? As I zoomed out, I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t exactly set her up to succeed.

It was much hotter outside than I thought, and her sweatshirt made her stuffy (which she despises). It was past naptime. And to top it off, I gave her a donut (major sugar rush) while she was already emotionally charged. Not exactly a setup for success.

Was my frustration warranted in the moment? Maybe. It was a frustrating moment. But when I dove in deeper, it was easy to see that I kind of set her up to fail. And I wonder how often we do that as parents?

This question actually pops into my head a lot: Am I setting my kids up to fail?

I was just reading a book recently that talked about a well-intentioned couple who took their toddler out to a nice restaurant for dinner. But their son didn’t want to sit—he wanted to move. They became frustrated when he couldn’t keep still, but the reality was he wasn’t misbehaving. He was being a typical toddler boy.

That story stuck with me because it’s so relatable. How often do our frustrations stem not from disobedience—but from mismatched expectations?

Too often I’m so quick to get annoyed with our oldest for getting frustrated with her little sister. But who let the littlest get close enough to grab her older sister’s hair? Me.

Too often I’m so quick to get frustrated over a big mess. But who left them unsupervised as they created the mess? Me.

Or back in ministry days, when parents were frustrated their kids were always glued to their phones. But who bought them the phone and gave them unrestricted access?

It’s so easy to get frustrated with our kids.
But the truth is: they. are. kids.

They’re still learning. Still growing. Still in desperate need of our guidance and support. And that became so evident when, in the middle of her meltdown, my daughter screamed through sobs:

“Mommy, help me calm down! Help me stop crying!”

I was once again reminded how much they need us to help them succeed.

Kids will mess up. They’ll make mistakes. They’ll do silly things even when we teach them what’s right. But I believe so many frustrating moments as parents could feel different if we just simply asked the question, “Am I setting them up to fail?”

And I’m not talking about the kind of failing that builds self-esteem or their sense of self-worth (like letting them try to tie their shoe or put on their clothes). I’m talking about the kind of moments that set them up for a shame spiral, where our expectations don’t match their emotional capacity, and they crumble under pressure we didn’t even realize we placed on them.

No one wants to be set up to fail—including our kids.

So let’s be intentional parents.
Let’s be the kind of parents who don’t just correct our kids, but consider how we can equip them.
Let’s be the kind of parents who help our kids succeed, not set them up to fail repeatedly.

Here are some practical, everyday ways we can set our kids up for success instead of frustration:

Instead of Rushing Through the Morning

❌ Getting mad when they “won’t listen” during the morning routine.
✅ Build in buffer time so you’re not frantic. Maybe even turn it into a game: “Let’s see if we can get shoes on before the timer goes off!”

Instead of Punishing Big Emotions

❌ Getting angry when they meltdown after a long day.
✅ Recognize their limits, create space for decompression, and help them name their emotions.

Instead of Blaming Screen Time

❌ Feeling frustrated when they’re “addicted” to screens.
✅ Set boundaries in advance and offer structured alternatives: “After 20 minutes of your show, let’s go on a walk or read a book together.”

Instead of Expecting Perfect Listening

❌ Scolding them for “not listening” or “forgetting” your instructions.
✅ Get down to their level, make eye contact, and ask them to repeat back what you said. Offer gentle reminders.

Instead of Bedtime Battles

❌ Getting irritated when bedtime turns into chaos.
✅ Create a consistent bedtime routine (bath, brush teeth, story, prayer) and start winding down early with low lights and calm voices.

Setting them up for success doesn’t mean shielding them from all hard things—it means preparing them in a way that gives them tools to grow, not guilt when they can’t handle it.

So here’s to slowing down, asking the right questions, and giving our kids the help they truly need.

They’re not trying to be difficult—they’re just still learning how to be little humans. So let’s steward the gift of raising them well.