When to Change Something vs. When to Change How You Think About It

Big decisions. We all face them, whether it's choosing a college, deciding on a career change, making a life-altering move, or navigating the ups and downs of relationships. We’ve all been there—sitting in the tension of uncertainty, wondering: Do I need to make a change in my life? Or do I just need to change the way I think about this situation?

I’ve certainly wrestled with this question, especially when it came to a recent major decision in my own life—leaving my full-time ministry job to stay at home with our daughters. If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be stepping away from my career to be a stay-at-home mom, I would have been shocked. In fact, I would have told you that it was something I could never see myself doing. Yet, here I am today, and I can honestly say it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

But here’s the thing: that decision didn’t come without a lot of internal wrestling. As I tried to figure out whether I was making the right move, I asked myself questions like:

• What if I’m just in a negative mindset, and I need to change how I think about my job instead of leaving it?

• What if I’m being lazy and just want to avoid the hard work of balancing both a career and family?

• What if I lack the capacity to manage it all and am just giving up too soon?

• What if I make the leap and still feel unhappy?

Those what ifs kept me stuck in analysis paralysis for a while. But eventually, I started to flip those what ifs into more hopeful questions:

• What if leaving my job is the best thing I could do for our family?

• What if staying home with my girls brings us closer and creates memories I’ll cherish forever?

• What if this is exactly the season I’m meant to be in, and I’m stepping into the calling God has placed on my life?

• What if this isn’t about laziness or lack of capacity, but about recognizing what really matters and making that a priority?

And you know what? As I reflect on that decision now, all those positive “what ifs” have come true. I’ve been able to make incredible memories with my girls. I feel more content and fulfilled than I’ve ever been. I’m living out a deeper sense of purpose. And I feel a deep sense of peace about stewarding this season well, in a way that aligns with the calling I feel on my life.

The key, though, was knowing the difference between when I needed to change something and when I just needed to change how I thought about it. This is a nuanced question that a lot of people wrestle with, and I want to dig into it further today, especially for anyone who is facing a tough decision in their life right now.

So, how can you figure out if you need to make a change—or if it’s really just your mindset that needs to shift? Let’s break it down.

Discontentment vs. Disconnect: What’s Really Going On?

One of the first things I learned when I was wrestling with my decision was that the feeling of discontentment doesn’t always mean something needs to change in your environment. Sometimes it’s a signal that your internal mindset needs to shift. But other times, it’s a sign that there’s a true disconnect in your circumstances that requires change. How do you know the difference?

Let’s start with discontentment. Discontentment is often a sign that something needs to change within you. It’s about shifting your perspective and learning to be content in your current situation, even when things aren’t perfect. The apostle Paul talks about this in Philippians 4:11-13, when he says, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”

Notice that Paul didn’t say he was always happy or everything was easy; he said that he had learned to be content regardless of his circumstances. He was able to find peace even in difficult or undesirable situations because he recognized that contentment is ultimately a choice.

On the flip side, there’s the concept of a disconnect. A disconnect is when something external needs to change in order to restore peace or alignment in your life. This could involve a job that no longer aligns with your values, a relationship that has become toxic, or a life situation that no longer serves you. A disconnect is often more than just an attitude issue—it’s a sign that your environment, circumstances, or relationships need to change in some way.

For example, if you’re in a job that consistently drains your energy or doesn’t allow you to live out your purpose, and you’ve tried everything you can to make it work (changing your mindset, setting boundaries, trying new routines), it might be time for a bigger change. The disconnect could signal that your situation is no longer a good fit and needs to change.

Questions to Help You Discern the Difference

When you’re stuck in a tough decision, asking yourself some key questions can help you figure out whether it’s a change you need to make or a shift in perspective you need to work on. Here are a few to consider:

1. Are your negative emotions focused on one area, or do they extend to multiple areas of your life?

If you’re feeling discontent in several areas of your life—work, family, friendships, etc.—it may indicate that the problem is more about your mindset than your circumstances. When negativity spills over into every aspect of your life, it might be time to do the hard work of addressing your thoughts and attitudes. In this case, you need to shift your perspective before making any external changes.

However, if the negativity is only tied to one area (for example, your job or a specific relationship), then it’s more likely that there’s a disconnect that needs to be addressed in that particular situation.

2. Have you tried making small changes or improvements in your current situation?

Before making a big change, it’s worth asking yourself: Have you tried to improve your current situation in small ways? Have you made efforts to make subtle adjustments in your environment or the way you approach the situation? For example, when I was debating whether to leave my ministry job, I made several changes in my daily routine, delegated more responsibilities, and altered the way I interacted with my team. I even tried to change up the physical space I worked in, in order to see if I could improve my experience.

If you’ve made these small changes and still feel a tug to leave, it might indicate that your circumstances are fundamentally misaligned with your values, and a bigger change is needed. However, if you haven’t made any attempts to tweak things before jumping ship, it might be worth trying some adjustments first.

3. Have you communicated your concerns to others involved?

If you’re feeling unhappy in a situation, have you communicated those concerns with the relevant people involved? For example, if you’re unhappy at work, have you had a conversation with your supervisor? If you’re struggling in a relationship, have you expressed your feelings to the other person? Sometimes, simply talking things out can provide new insights or even lead to changes that restore harmony.

If you’ve already communicated your concerns and nothing changes, then it might indicate that a bigger shift is necessary.

4. Are there patterns in your reactions across different situations?

If you notice that you react negatively or feel frustrated in multiple situations or with various people, it could be a sign that you need to change how you think or respond, rather than changing your circumstances. If the same issues keep popping up across different areas of your life, it’s often a signal that your internal mindset needs adjustment. This is where contentment becomes crucial—it’s not about accepting a bad situation, but about learning how to manage your thoughts and emotions in a way that brings peace, even in difficult circumstances.

5. Have you sought feedback from trusted people with an outside perspective?

It’s essential to get feedback from people who know you well but also have an objective perspective. If you’re struggling to determine whether it’s a mindset issue or a situational one, seeking advice from someone who can give you an honest, unbiased view can be incredibly helpful. They may see patterns or offer insights that you can’t see from the inside.

Making the Big Change with Confidence

If after all this reflection, you decide that it’s time for a big change, make that decision with confidence. Trust in God, and be obedient to where He’s calling you. Change is hard, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. When you’re walking in alignment with your values and purpose, the peace and fulfillment that come from that decision far outweigh any fear or doubt.

And remember, even if you’re making a change, mindset still matters. If you’ve decided to leave a job, move to a new city, or make a major shift in your life, approach it with a positive attitude. Don’t let fear or worry overshadow the potential for growth and fulfillment in the new season ahead.