Thriving, Not Just Surviving: How to Serve Your Family Without Losing Yourself
Recently, I received a message from a mom who poured her heart out about feeling drained by her role in the family. She felt like she was giving everything to her husband and children, but something was missing. After having kids, she noticed a shift in her identity—she didn’t recognize herself anymore. She asked a question that resonates deeply with so many of us: How do you be a good wife and mom, but not lose yourself or burn out in the process?
This is an incredibly important question, and today, I want to dive into that. How do we thrive and not just survive when serving our families? How do we give so much without losing who we are?
1. Ask God to Deal with Your Identity
When you become a wife and mom, it’s natural to immerse yourself in those roles, but if you’re not careful, they can quickly become your entire identity. This is a trap that many women fall into, often without realizing it. When our identity is solely wrapped up in being a wife or mother, we start to feel like we’re failing when things don’t go perfectly. We feel the pressure of constantly needing to be the best wife, the best mom, the best homemaker.
However, our true identity is found in Christ, not in the roles we play. In Colossians 3:3, it says, “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” Our worth and purpose are rooted in Him, not in what we do. When we forget this, we start relying on our own strength, trying to live up to impossible expectations, and that’s when burnout sets in.
If your identity is solely in motherhood or being a wife, you will inevitably feel worn out. If you're relying on your own efforts and strength, you will always feel like you're falling short. But here’s the beauty of the Gospel: Christ is enough. He lived the perfect life, died on the cross for our sins, and gave us His righteousness. When we accept the gift of grace, we are free from the pressure of perfection and the need to perform.
Action Step: Take time to reflect on where your identity truly lies. Ask God to realign your heart and remind you of your worth in Christ. If you haven’t yet accepted the Gospel for what it is, now is the time. Let it change your perspective on motherhood, marriage, and life itself. When you grasp this truth, you’ll be able to serve your family from a place of rest, not striving.
Instead of feeling like a terrible wife or mom when you mess up, embrace the grace that allows you to own your mistakes, learn from them, and hand them over to God. In doing so, you show your children how to walk in humility and grace.
2. Prioritize Your Marriage
Many moms find themselves so immersed in their children’s lives that they let their marriage slip into the background. After all, the kids need so much of your time and energy, right? But here’s the thing: if you don’t prioritize your marriage, everything else will eventually feel off. When you and your spouse are not united in your vision and roles, you’re more likely to burn out and become disconnected from each other.
A strong, healthy marriage doesn’t just benefit you and your spouse; it benefits your children as well. When they see you and your husband prioritizing one another, respecting each other, and working as a team, it sets a powerful example for them.
Action Step: Make intentional efforts to prioritize your marriage. Go on regular dates, even if it’s just ice cream on the couch after the kids are in bed. Avoid tallying who does what at home; instead, focus on appreciating what your spouse contributes. Speak positively of each other in front of the kids, showing them the importance of honor and respect in a relationship. “Mom does so much for us. Isn’t she the best?” “Daddy works so hard for us! He’s so fun and funny!” If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to seek help—whether through counseling, prayer, or honest conversations. Building a strong marriage is worth the effort and will create a healthy, thriving family environment.
Becoming parents is a massive life transition for both partners, and while you might mourn the loss of the “old you,” together you have the opportunity to build something even better. But you can only do that if you’re prioritizing your relationship and working together as a team.
3. Lean Into the Rhythms
Motherhood brings with it new rhythms and patterns of life. If you try to keep up the same pace you had before kids, you’re likely to drive yourself into the ground. I remember when I first became a mom—I had this expectation that I would continue at the same pace I did when I was working or living life pre-babies. But I quickly realized that wasn’t sustainable.
The reality is, the needs of your children will change as they grow. A toddler requires different attention than a teenager, and each stage comes with its own set of demands. Rather than resisting those changes, lean into them. Study your children, understand their needs, and adjust accordingly.
Action Step: Pay attention to the season you’re in. If you’re in the baby phase, understand that the physical demands will be intense. If you’re in a more independent stage, maybe you can carve out more time for other things. Adjust your pace according to what your family needs at that time, and be okay with that change.
4. Stewardship vs. Ownership
One of the biggest causes of burnout in motherhood is the desire for control. Moms often want to control everything—our children’s behavior, the schedule, the household chores, the outcomes of our family’s future. But here’s the truth: you’re not called to control your family; you’re called to steward them.
Your children are not yours to control. In Psalm 127:3, it says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord.” They belong to God, not to you. Your role as a mother is to steward them well, to love them, guide them, and raise them in the fear of the Lord. But ultimately, their future is in God’s hands, not yours.
Action Step: Let go of the need to control. Work hard, but remember that everything you do is for the Lord. Offer your family, your time, your work as a gift to God. Trust Him with the outcome, knowing that He is the one who holds the future.
5. Ditch the Bad Habits
Speaking of stewardship, let’s talk about stewarding our own bodies well.
I personally don’t love the self-care/self-help mom movement, as I think it can create a sense of entitlement, selfishness, and self-indulgence. So while I totally agree that as wives and moms we should take care of ourselves, I think we should be careful that it doesn’t become an egocentric thing where we’re constantly concerned with our feelings and how we aren’t getting what we want.
But I do believe in stewarding our bodies well. So what bad habits are hurting our bodies rather than helping?
It’s easy to fall into unhealthy habits, like staying up too late, neglecting exercise, or overindulging in social media. These habits can drain your energy and leave you feeling guilty for not doing “enough.”
Action Step: Identify the habits that are holding you back from living a healthy, balanced life. Are you scrolling mindlessly on social media? Are you staying up too late? Are you neglecting your physical health? Choose one small habit to change—maybe it’s setting a limit on screen time or committing to a 15-minute walk each day. Start small and build on it, and over time, you’ll find that those habits start to shift.
6. Find Your Joy Bombs
Stewarding the body God gave you also means being a part of things that involve the passions He’s given you. Doing things that He’s gifted you to do. Involving yourself with things that bring you joy!
So find the things that bring you joy and make time for them. Whether it’s a quiet moment with a cup of coffee, a walk outside, or singing worship songs during the day, make space for these joy-giving activities.
Action Step: Identify what brings you life and make room for it. It might take some trial and error, but you’ll be surprised at how a few small changes can bring refreshment to your day.
7. See the Big Picture
I know you may roll your eyes, but this season of your life truly won’t last forever. When we were in the first year of having our first daughter, I remember people saying that, but in the moment it DID feel like the sleepless nights were going to last forever.
But I blinked, and now my babe is 3 and we’ve got a second one staring down 1 year in a couple months. So much change happens so fast. And there will be seasons you like more than others - that’s okay. But try to see that it’s just that moment in time that you get those babes and that partner of yours right where they’re at. Don’t miss it.
Action Step: Keep the big picture in mind. This moment in time is just a season, and while it may feel challenging, it will pass. Try to savor the small moments, even on the hard days. Recognize that you are shaping your family’s future, and God is using this time to mold you into the woman He has called you to be.
8. Be in Community
Isolation is one of the enemy’s greatest tools to make you feel like you’re alone in your struggles. But motherhood was never meant to be lived in isolation. Surround yourself with other women who understand your journey and can point you to truth when you’re feeling overwhelmed.
One thing we’ve done is a once-a-month meal with some friends who are in the same season of life as us. Find people to connect with, and don’t be afraid to ask for help!
Action Step: Get involved in a community of women who are in a similar season of life. Find a group where you can be honest about your struggles, share victories, and encourage one another. Also, seek out women who are a little further along in their journey and can offer wisdom and perspective.
In conclusion, it is possible to be a good wife and mom without losing yourself. By prioritizing your identity in Christ, investing in your marriage, and embracing the rhythms of motherhood, you can serve your family without burning out. Remember, motherhood is a calling, but it’s one that is lived out in God’s strength, not your own. Trust Him with the process, and He will refine you in ways you never imagined.